A decade of marital...

umm, marital  bliss. (sorry, too rosy)...marital discord. (no, too negative)... marital cord. (seems too forced)... marital...eff it. There's no perfect way of putting this - a decade of marriage. Yes, so, this past week, Vish and I celebrated 10 years of being institutionalized in the socially enforced and culturally mandated, in our case, also self inflicted, paradigm of matrimony.

Once your wedding anniversary cake needs two candles, you know your relationship has evolved to a more-or-less stable plateau. The peaks and the troughs have mellowed to a more balanced cardiogram - this evolution is not easy though. So, ladies and gentlemen after five lessons of marriage and the seven secrets of a happily-ever after, presenting to you 10 different way your relationship evolves once you tie "the' knot. If you nod your head in agreement, do share the love and if you don't I'd really want to hear from you!

Here goes...(Needless to mention it is from the wife's perspective, which also happens to be the right perspective)

	Dating period	Honeymoon period (first 1-2 years)	5-7 Year Milestone	10 Year Milestone
1. His Memory	10/10 - remembers first meeting, what you wore on the first date, date and time when he proposed, date and time when you sad yes etc etc.	8/10 - The wedding ritual itself seems to damage the part of the brain that stores dates and events for most men. However, with some hinting, they do remember at this stage and will also work towards making it up to you.	4.5/10 - There’s a complete loss of memory from the Pre wedding era. That they are alive is only because birthday and wedding anniversary dates are not forgotten.	Never mind the score - you announce the celebratory event date and time weeks in advance, plan the details, and set up calendar invites so there are no “surprises”.
2. His presents	Not just physical expressions of love but long letters, love ballads, musical compositions and what not	Surprise presents sill happen every once in a while, there are surprise trips too - celebrations are mostly lavish.	“What presents do you need? Am I not your greatest gift? You have everything,it is very difficult to buy anything for you.”	She finally takes charge - spends time researching her own perfect gift and then buys it on his behalf. No disappointments on either side.
3. Text messages	I love you.	I Love you too.	She: Why don’t we text each other like we used to? He: What do you mean?	Is there tylenol at home? I have a massive headache.
4. Random phone calls	1152 times a day I was missing you / your voice. Blah blah.	2-3 times a day Now we stay together right, what’s the point of calls!	Why did you call? Just like that. Arre, didn’t we just meet in the morning, and will meet again in the evening.	If something comes up and is really important, text me.
5. Good mornings	Early morning calls - yours is the first voice I want to hear when I get up.	Good morning love, how nice to see your face the first thing every morning.	Why do you put an alarm when you don’t want to get up - it always disturbs my sleep.	It’s your turn to wake up early with the little one - get out of bed, now.
6. Dreamy nights	Long never ending phone call till one literally falls asleep.	Oh love!	I don’t understand how a person can take over the entire bed while sleeping - I have been suffering now for so many years.	Did you lock the front door? But you came in after me? But I asked you to check? Did you atleast switch off all the lights? Why is there only one responsible person in this house?
7. His compliments	You are the most beautiful - your hair, your eyes, your face, your cheeks, your lips, your hips, the feet everything!	You are so beautiful.	She:How am I looking today? He: As always. She: And how do I look “always” He: Usual She: ?? He: Great	She: How am I looking today? He: Awesome (has not bothered to so much as even glance in your direction)
8. His observations on her cooking	She: I can’t cook. He: Who needs food, we will live on love.	She makes half-cooked half-burnt food. He: this is the yummiest food I have ever had	She has graduated to a reasonably decent cook. He; I don’t like how you make aloo gobhi (a medley of potatoes and cauliflower). I don’t like baingan (egg plant).	She is a confident cook now - and she no longer needs his opinion. He has two choices eat it or leave it. He doesn’t complain anymore.
9. His shopping behaviour	Oh those trips to the mall hand in hand.	I’ll buy what you like and you buy what I like.	Why do you take so long shopping? Why do you shop so much?	He: Bye, have fun shopping. I will stay at home - can you please get a couple of Ts and shorts for me too. And I am out of perfume. If you see a good wallet and a belt - but only if you come across a decent shirt….
10. Expression of love	I love you 1241 times a day	5-10 times a day	Occasionally - on special events	I don’t understand why anyone would say I love you.If you truly mean it, it will show, you don’t have to say it.Ofcourse I love you, that’s why we are together even after all these years. That is so naive. Uh oh.

So which stage of evolution are you in?

7

I, oops, we have been married seven years now. The regular readers of this blog may recall the High Five post I did on our fifth anniversary. Here's another one dedicated to this great milestone :D :P.

So, here's presenting the 7 secrets of a long and happy married life:

Secret No. 1

There are 7 notes in music but the combinations of these are gazillion and it is not necessary that a married couple enjoys all these equally. A separate iPod with separate music libraries, and a pair of decent noise reduction headphones for each is a must to enjoy the music of married life.

Secret No. 2 

7 is the neutral pH value between acidity and alkalinity. It is also indicative of the balance a marriage must have. If you are arguing to no end at a point of time, your spouse must back off. There's no point both messing with chemistry at the same time. (P.S. If you are a man, and reading this, you must always back off.)

Secret No. 3

There are 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and pride. It doesn't matter which one you or your spouse is committing (ofcourse while being reasonable, you know) - all are pardonable as long as there is food on the table, money in the bank, and icecream in the freezer. 

Secret No. 4

There are 7 days in a week. That is a little too much time to spend with each other because (a) Familiarity breeds contempt, and (b) You need a life of your own. A little time each day and a little day or two each week is a great way to make it last :D.

Secret No. 5

Interestingly, in NBA, 7 is the maximum number of games in a playoff series. What is even more interesting that is that after you both make the decision of getting married and then get married, you will realize that is the last decision you could both agree upon. After that, it is a series of playoffs! Don't forget that even the greatest rivals shake hands before and after every game.

Secret No. 6

There are 7 continents and 7 seas and that's for a reason. There's enough place to run to when you want to take a break. Take time out to travel and be on your own every once in a while - If it doesn't make you miss your significant other or realize his/her value, you would have atleast seen a new place :D :P.

Secret No. 7

The rainbow has 7 colors and just like without even on of them, it wouldn't be complete - your spouse would not be the person he or she is without his or her good and highly annoying habits. So be a saint (coincidentally, there are believed to be 7 saints in Hindu mythology (Saptarishi) and in some other religions too!) and forgive (But, don't forget - you could always use an ace up your sleeves at a later fight :D :P).

So, my much married friends, over to you - care to add to the list?

(By the way, there are umpteen sexist and non-sexist jokes on marriage online most of them are funny - those that talk about separate date nights and beds and continents etc. but my favorite happens to be this one:
An old woman married was sipping wine on her 40th wedding anniversary and exclaimed, "Oh, dear, what would I have done without you all these years."
Her husband asked, "Is that you talking or the wine?"
She replied, "That's me talking to the wine." 

HA HA HA - Sorry, couldn't resist sharing this one - really over to you now!)

High Five!

So, Vish and I have now been married for 5 years - That's half a decade! Yep, it's still sinking in... 

How has it been? 

Normal, I guess. We have shared love, we have had moments when we wondered why the hell did we marry, we have fought battles, and then made up too ... and so we have lasted. :P

Now, I have let this great achievement get a little into my head and so, however unsolicited it may be, here's some invaluable and very practical marriage advice for all of you. I am sticking to just five key lessons here (High Five and all, you know...), please feel free to contact me for more.

STATUTORY WARNING: AS WILL BE OBVIOUS, THESE LESSONS HAVE BEEN WRITTEN FROM THE FEMALE POINT OF VIEW, BECAUSE AS YOU WILL LEARN OR MAY HAVE ALREADY LEARNED, THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF VIEW.

• First, and foremost, the wife is always right. ALWAYS. Be it her opinion on your wardrobe, your dining etiquette, your behavior with her friends, your job, your friend circle, your family (however touchy that may sound), everything. She is right. If ever you feel that she is in the wrong, please refer to the previous statement.

• The wife should never over analyze her husband's change in mood swings. Men are thick-skinned, simple creatures. Their pissed off demeanor has nothing to do with the caustic remark you made, or the stinky message you sent, or some comment your mom, dad or best friend made. There is no deep rooted anxiety of the future or current existential crisis. Men cannot and do not think or emotionally process so much data. And no, they are not cheating on you. 99.99% of the times, you can safely bet your life that either they are hungry (and I mean for food :D) or their favorite sports team lost some tournament. Dish up their favorite cuisine, feign some sympathy for the worthless match, and life is hunky dory again!

• To the husbands: Let me break it to you - your wife does NOT have psychic powers. We, wives, cannot fathom how much you love us if you forget the date we first met or the day you proposed; we absolutely fail to understand that you appreciate our labor in the kitchen and laundry, if you don't even offer to help every  now and then; and we do not get how special we mean to you till you provide some tangible evidence (in the form of flowers, candle-lit dinners, gifts, and other 'precious nothings'). If you feel it, SHOW it.

• Now, even though men have read this atleast a thousand times - forwards, FB jokes and what not, yet they do not seem to take this seriously. This is no laughing matter. Let me REiterate, two very important facts. 1. When you ask us if something is wrong, and we say NOTHING - it means EVERYTHING about you is wrong, and if you don't make serious amends, you are in for serious trouble. 2. If at the end of your justification, clarification, or your side of the argument, we say WHATEVER - it does not mean everything is fine and we are back to hugging and making up - it means whatever you stated was absolute bulls***, and since you exercised your freedom of expression, and not the right to remain silent, you are doomed even more.

• Last, but not the least, no wife becomes fat, puts on weight, grows old or looks ugly. Here is a cheat code for you husbands, who just don't give the right answers ('I don't know' is also a wrong answer):

Q: Have I put on weight recently?

A (very emphatically): Ofcourse not. You look gorgeous as always. Infact, I am a little scared of your eating habits - you need to eat well.

(Note: You cannot say I like your curves, I like you plump etc etc. That is suicide!)

Q: Do I look fatter than Kareena Kapoor/Katrina Kaif/Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Anniston etc. etc.

A (with genuine honesty in your tone): Who? I haven't even noticed them! Aren't they all old and freckled now. With all that make up and the right camera angles, they look forgettable, imagine their true selves.

Q: Don't I look old now, considering when we first started dating. Is my skin sagging; do I already have crow feet; do you still feel the same about me, about us?

A (looking deep into her eyes): I can't make out an iota of difference from when I first saw you. You have the same vibrance and glow. I think you are ageless.

See, how simple it is! Honesty and straight forward approach - the two golden compasses of a happily ever after!

Sita Sings the Blues

Sita Sings the Blues had been on my list of must-watch movies ever since I happened to chance upon its trailer on YouTube sometime last year. Recently, when my brother mentioned it, backing it with his recommendation, I finally got down to watching this animated feature film., only to regret having not seen it earlier.

Employing the technique of shadow puppetry to narrate one of the oldest epics of all times, the Ramayana, in a very colloquial, conversational, and almost irreverent, discussion mode; using a host of colorful imagery, interspersed with classical jazz music pieces by Annette Hanshaw, interluded with a contemporary parallel drawn from the director's own life, in a movie that is available for free viewing (under the Creative Commons Atttribution-Share Alike license) - Nina Paley's Sita Sings the Blues is a path breaking experiment in cinema in more ways than one. Read more about it here.

The mythological tragic theme of Sita - the epitome of the righteous wife, who forsakes the wealth and abundance of the palace to follow her husband (Ram) in his exile, who is kidnapped in the forest, salvaged by her supremely powerful husband, forced to undertake the test of fire (quite literally) to prove her chastity, only to be banished again when she is carrying twins, and finally given the option to come back on the condition of another agnipareeksha (test of fire), which thankfully Sita denies and commits suicide (in a way) to end her miseries. This juxtaposed with the modern comedy of marriage from the life of Nina Paley (the director) whose long standing boyfriend abandons her leaving her high and dry, to fend for herself. What is very vividly brought out is the universal and eternal quality of the story of Ramayana outside of its religious context.

There are several other themes, alternate discourses and even questions that run throughout the narrative, quite evidently, though perhaps a little subtly:

• If Ram's father, Dasratha was the just and fair king he was known to be, how come he was unfair to his own son for the sake of a vow given to one of his queens.
• Was Ravana really the huge, ugly monster/villain he has been now made out to be? Apparently, the only great character flaw he ever had was he was smitten by another man's wife (Sita) - and that has been his only mistake. He was infact very well read and well endowed (by the gods).
• Why did Sita not leave Lanka with Hanuman when he first came to see her - in a sense the whole purpose of the historic war was to establish Ram's supremacy and omnipotence. If she had just escaped with Hanuman - it wouldn't have been much of an ego boosting exercise...or did Sita feel so outraged at her abduction that she wanted her man to come and rescue her in full glory with an epic scale war that killed way too many people; or maybe she never completely trusted Hanuman. Who knows?
• When Sita had already 'passed' in her test of fire (not considering for the moment how wrong Ram was in demanding it in the first place), why did he again abandon her because what a washerman said. Heavy rests the head that wears the crown? The just king versus the husband dilemma? Was that a difficult choice? Why is it so important that the leader be trusted by the wrong guys too? Is that good leadership? Even a four year old understands that "that was not fair of Ram' - Read about it here. Why is Ram then still considered an ideal man?

So, what may be the saving grace of Ramayana (or maybe not)? Finally, Sita did not forsake her self respect to return to the man who had doubted her inspite of her being with him in the most lowly of circumstances (the exile). She asked Mother Earth to take her (that is suicide) - and that final sacrifice pins her as the idol for all womanhood for all times to come. Why? Because so many believe that she silently did all that was told to her by her husband, thus upholding the true virtue of a wife? Perhaps not! On the contrary, I believe, that was her way of showing her disappointment in Ram. She resorted to means that were socially acceptable in those times. Today, if your husband does not trusts you (asks you for DNA tests for your children - wouldn't that be modern day agnipareeksha?), you might not want to return to him, but you wouldn't commit suicide - you could leave the house, start afresh somewhere else - society has grown to accept divorces and marital separations (the taboos exist but there is a real choice) - Sita did not have that option!

Coming back to the movie, it does not score a perfect 10 - when you see something that is good, you become greedy and also see the potential of what all could have beeen better. However, Sita Sings the Blues is a MUST WATCH. 82 minutes of a lot of sense, fantastic story telling, imagery and a whole load of food for thought - all this available for free on the Internet. You wouldn't get a better deal.

[Image Source: Google Images]

‘Kanyadaan’

Before you ask, yes that is a picture from my wedding album. This particular ritual in the hindu marriage ceremony is known as “kanyadaan”, quite inadequately translated in English as “giving or rather gifting away of the daughter”.

The hindu vedic marriage rituals pays a lot of emphasis on this particular ceremony. It is supposed to be the highest sacrifice (maha daan); and therefore, it is believed that parents who have performed the “kanyadaan” for their daughter are relieved of all sins and attain heaven.

(Parents who have sons live longer, my brother jokes!)

What exactly the ceremony entails is that the father holds the hand of the bride, while the mother pours the holy water; the father then places his daughter’s hand in the hand of the groom, as the sacred verses are enchanted in the background.

(And so ladies and gentlemen, the official handover of the seat of power and the reigns of control from the dad to the husband happens!)

From my personal experience, I can tell you that even in fairly modern families where daughters are raised and respected as equals to sons, and the “kanyadaan” is more ceremonial for tradition-sake than actually meaning that the father will no longer have any right on the daughter (and the umbilical cord is forever cut), this is a very very emotional and somber affair during the wedding.

Even though at the back of my mind I knew I was doing this for ritual-sake only, the chants of the priests and the whole ambience – the water, the physical “giving away” - and then when I had to go and sit next to my husband instead of with “my” side of the family - and finally seeing my dad stifle his tears, I thought I’d burst with all the emotions brewing inside or just scream my head off and put a stop there and then!

(Fortunately, or unfortunately, the conformist that I am, none of that happened!)

God, why do weddings have to be so emotionally taxing and exhausting!

And that is precisely the point of this post. Why can’t culture and tradition adapt to the current times. Why go through the elaborate rituals when most of them make little practical sense in the world today, wherein girls are brought up to be as independent as their male counterparts and there is no real need for her to be “taken care of, provided and sheltered” by one man or the other!

C’mon, not that I obeyed my dad to the T before marriage that I need to now “obey” my husband instead. And just because I am married, doesn’t mean dad and mom will mean any less than what they have always meant!

If I am blessed with a daughter, I am not sure I will do this kind of an elaborate and dramatic "kanyadaan” at her wedding, not even for custom-sake. Would you?

I “Obey”?

So there has been a lot to write home about the Royal Wedding, complete with the Disney fantasy like feel to the whole event. “Dreams do come true”. Oh well!

Of all the trillion articles and news items on the affair of the decade – ranging from the royal kiss to the ring that wouldn’t slide smooth, from the lovely bridal attire to the over-the-top head gears of the guests, and what not, I thought I should talk about this one: Kate 'will not obey'.

Following Diana’s royal ditch to the royal protocol, Kate decides to steer clear of vowing to “obey” Prince William (I hear he is a Duke now). Instead she pledges to “love, comfort, honor and keep” her husband. A very honest lady! Why promise what you are sure you will not do, even if it is only ceremonial!

While the old school of thought continues to defend the use of the word, “obey”, emphasizing that it is not meant as “subservient” or an excuse for domestic abuse, I’d say one should rather be safe than sorry!

This news piece reminded me of my wedding. Married following the hindu vedic rituals, during the many “mantras and slokas” (vedic chants in Sanskrit) the pandits (priests) were reciting and translating for the benefit of all, one distinct vow or rather instruction to me was that I should never do what my husband prohibits. To do anything I should seek my husband’s permission, even if I want to visit my parents etc.

While the close knit family and friends laughed through it, I looked up to Vish to assure both of us understood that this was only “ceremonial”, and well, not to be taken as the word of law. The indulgent smile from him saved the priests from an argument session, which I am sure nobody had the patience to deal with at 2 in the morning!

Though I absolutely believe in the institution of marriage, I often wonder what an MCP the person who wrote some of these rituals/vows must have been. The inherent assumption that men know better and will do better - And hence, the lesser mortals (read women) should bow their heads in subservience so that these demi-gods can lead us and make sense of our lives.

In this day and age, there continue to be women who live as puppets with their strings firmly held by the husbands. Inequality, domestic violence, verbal abuse – all continue to plague many marriages in many households in India.

We need people to come out in the open and acknowledge the wrong/injustice when they see it. So what if it is dictated by religion or religious texts. Religion is a path to God created by humans themselves – If we can’t change it for the better, who else can?

SecondShaadi.com

While browsing through some news article on my Google Reader, the following ad caught my eye:

A quick Google search, and I bumped into so many matrimonial sites that cater to divorcees or widowed persons who seek another chance at the altar – SecondShaadi.com, Thesecondmarriage.com, doosravivaah.com, indiaremarry.com, and so many more!

So, is India ready for “I do”, a second time?

I will park aside the age-old debate for and against matrimonial advertisements – It makes for a separate blog entry, if at all. I am a fence-sitter as far as this issue goes – At an obvious level, ads seeking “grooms from respectable families with over 5-digit salary” and “fair, homely and convent-educated girls”, seem to commodify and commercialize the institution of marriage. But then, how is it different from going out to a singles’ club, blind dates or dates fixed by friends etc.?

Society makes marriage a complicated affair – So I will move past this discussion.

Does this spurt in such sites that are tailor-made for second marriages indicate that finally our hypocritical, closed society is trying to open up? Or is it simply a case of market dynamics – websites giving second marriages a fillip?

Whatever be the reason, I see this as a welcome dimension in our society. Inspite of increased awareness and education levels in our society, divorcees, widows and widowers largely remain outcast! If we, as a people, accept that we cannot snatch away the choice of a second innings from someone, I view the growing popularity of these sites as a mark of a more mature social structure that is moving away from the rigid beliefs and traditions and paving way for a much more inclusive community living!

Another interesting article that I came across mentioned that even though the second marriage market appears more skewed to men, there is also a considerable number of single/divorced/ widowed Indian women of the age of 50 and above registered at this site. This is a very heartening fact. Traditionally, re-marriage of women has always been a taboo. But, guess no longer so.

In this age of skepticism, it seems like the value of the institution of marriage, which is nothing but a socially acceptable form of mutual companionship, is here to stay - so what if a little handholding from the marriage portals is required! :)

Has marriage killed the girl in you?

When The Bald Guy () posted this tag on his blog, I immediately added it to my list of must-do’s, and after a sort of hectic week I finally get the time to take this head on.

The above question and a host of associated questions, including those below (reproduced from TBG’s tag), are ones that I have asked and answered so may a times myself.

Asked less, answered more than a trillion times – friends, relatives, colleagues, and even random strangers!

I think my replies have varied only slightly based on my mood and disposition at that moment in time. Here I make a conscious effort to introspect, retrospect, and ummm, well, to be honest.

Before I bring on the volley of Qs, some basic facts – Well into my 20’s, I have been married to the love of my life for more than three and a half years - and, oh boy, you could pass me as “well married”!

The Qs…

• Are you more programmed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?

A definite yes! I have learned to think twice before I speak and act (in most situations I try to restrict my tongue-in-cheek responses to myself or to a close circle of dear ones), and coming from me, believe me, that takes a huge effort!

I am definitely more politically correct, diplomatic, and conforming to established institutions than I was a couple of years back.

This programming manifests itself in subtle ways – I am more patient with relatives and extended family, I try to think from the other’s point of view (however I dumb it may be to start with :D), I have learnt to make allowances for nosey, pesky people around :p: :p.

• Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?

If I take this as a continuation of the previous question, my actions and reaction are definitely more controlled and in line with expectations, but somehow, (even though it may sound contradictory) the raving lunatic in me is not cured.

Assuaged? My husband will do a double somersault laughing his head off if I respond in the affirmative.

I am still the crazy person my friends and family swore on way back! My idiosyncrasies remain intact (touch wood) irrespective of the waves of time that keep crashing in!

I am still bonkers enough to break into a dance in the middle of the road, have ice cream for three meals a day, make inappropriate comments in public and then laugh out loud in an “unlady-like” fashion, threaten my husband with a call to 911 if he tries waking me up early in the morning (in India, can’t threaten him with 100 coz - it's seldom answered), and make him blow balloons and decorate the cake-knife with a fancy ribbon to celebrate my birthday!

• Are you still in love?

With whom? :D

Ok, honestly, a resounding YES - Am still very much in love (phew, thank god!) – with the person I married, with the wonderful family and friends I share my life with, and with the blessed life god has bestowed on me.

• Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?

I wonder why this question begins with an ‘or’. Am I in love or am I simply loving?

Hell yeah, I am in love and I am loving to those who love me back!

I am no angel or saint; I care for people who matter to me.

I am fond of all the people I willingly include in my everyday life.

I am fiercely loyal to my loved ones - friends and family.

Marriage has not changed a thing or the intensity when it comes to love and loyalty. I was always the way I am now!

• What does marriage do to you?

Lots :D!

Marriage makes you fall in love with your beloved all over again. Nothing like waking up to the brightest sunshine in your life.

Marriage convinces you that you made the best decision ever, coz there would be no other man in the whole world who would bring back the entire medical store for a slight cut.

Marriage makes you hate the guy you married when all his promises of love and never ending support are sacrificed at the altar of a stupid cricket match!

Marriage exasperates the life out of you when good-for-nothing relatives and well-wishers are waiting for the ever elusive “good news”.

Marriage makes you believe in the K-serials when you disagree with your MIL on the color of the curtains.

Marriage provides the much needed privacy from the ever-so-curious world outside. Finally, you can be there for each other, always, without having to explain your relationship status.

Marriage makes you independent and responsible and secure. People suddenly start taking you more seriously.

Marriage makes you dependent – this one person controls your emotional and mental well being – almost completely.

Marriage teaches you that life is not perfect as the Mills & Boons and Yash Chopras of the world will have us believe. There are tiffs, and there are misunderstandings, and it takes a lot of hard work to keep it all together for the sake of love.

But as in the end of all love stories, it is always well worth the effort you put in!

• And finally the big one: Has marriage killed the girl in you?

NO! I would never let that happen. Vish would never let that happen. Though he would be happy if the girl in me grew up a bit in-keeping with my age, I still choose to believe he’d rather I stay the person he fell in love with – it is the complete package you get, as we both often joke!

Having said that, life has its own way of moulding you into a more mature and understanding being.

With marriage comes a new chapter in your life, with new characters, new story lines, new plots, never-before-been-in situations, not-trained-for experiences but the individual that is you remains and must remain essential to the core – whatever be the story!

Dreams don’t come true by making wishes on shooting stars, but don’t stop dreaming.

Love is also about you taking the first step forward no matter how huge your ego is, but don’t stop loving.

He seems to suffer from the most incurable form of amnesia when it comes to dates – your first date, the date he proposed, your parents’ birthdays! But don’t stop celebrating (kick him, for sure!)

Miracles don’t happen always as per expectations, but don’t stop believing in them.

Faith and hope make the world go round!

Marriage is about accommodating, including and sharing, but don’t compromise the individuality and the uniqueness that define you.

Marriage is about being the doting wife, the responsible daughter-in-law and eventually the loving mother, but don’t let the girl in you die.

She should be the beautiful, inimitable foundation on which you build your life.

2 States

Inspite of the fact that I am no big Chetan Bhagat fan, I could not resist the temptation of picking up a copy of 2 States on a recent visit to a book store.

2 States could pretty much be the story of my marriage too, except that it was lacking in all the dramatic paraphernalia, the dysfunctional family syndrome and the extreme emotions that make up Chetan Bhagat’s novella.

I do not think there exists another nation so diverse in its cultures, peoples, beliefs, and languages as India. Travel from one end to the other and you would be asking yourself if it was the same country?

My boss in LA once asked me, so was it a cultural shock when you first landed here? I was like not at all. We Indians have enough cultural shocks traveling from one state to another that it is actually a relief to be in a place where all people atleast speak the same language.

What happens when a UP Brahmin girl brought up and based in Delhi decides to marry the “purest of pure” Tamil Iyer boy from Madras (Chennai, it is now)?

Ofcourse, there are the initial fireworks – My dad asked me in disbelief, “Are you serious?” I was. The “how’s”, when’s”, “who’s”, and “why’s” followed.

The most difficult is obviously the WHY!

“Why do you want to marry him?”

I like him.

“Why do you like him?”

He is nice

“But why him?”

No answer to that one!

The next set of questions, even more flabbergasting.

“Why did you not tell me?”

What am I doing now? I am telling you.

“No, why didn’t you tell me when it happened?”

When what happened? I love him and want to marry him, and I am telling you that.

“Why didn’t you tell me when you fell in love?”

No answer to that one too!

Fortunately, the course of our love was not very turbulent. My mom readily agreed. Vish’s parents were also very welcoming.

My dad took some time but happily came around after asking a trillion and more questions such as how will his hyperactive, slightly spoiled, “feminist” and completely stubborn daughter adjust in Chennai, in a South Indian family set up; the distance between Chennai and Delhi (I forget in what unit); what about the language barrier, how will Vish handle fights and my mood swings (not that my dad doesn’t think much of me, I think he wanted to give Vish the worst picture possible in the vain attempt to dissuade him :)!); family background (so important in an Indian wedding); can the wedding be in Delhi – North Indian style?;

And patiently Vish did answer in great depth and as genuinely as he could – I am sure he did not know the actual distance between DEL and MAA – I think, love makes you patient and persistent ;)!

Then, came the onslaught of curious relatives: Is he dark? (And I thought “fair” was considered important for a woman); Does he speak in a madrasi accent? (Is our Delhi/UP accent something we should be very proud of); They consider fish vegetarian, no? (No!); Does he always wear a lungi? (WTF!); Do they get fresh milk in Chennai, there are hardly any cows seen on the streets of Chennai! (Ok, do the stray cows in Delhi supply the milk?); Do you get atta – wheat flour, they only eat rice, no? (That’s a genuine question :)); Do they wear silk all year round? (Kinda, but silk is a natural fiber!); Do they have pubs and malls in Chennai…do people go to discs? (Yes, please ignore the ignorant North Indians); Do they cook all their food only in coconut oil? (Cudn’t give a damn!); South Indian men like only “healthy” women no – u see all those movies. (No response to that one!)

Our families coming together brought in a lot of cross cultural awareness. Many myths were shattered, and some firmly reestablished.

Everybody learned a few facts, first ofcourse, that there is more to an Iyer Madrasi than oiled hair, geeky looks, engineering degree, and overseas relatives; Tamilians have tasted inter-state and international cuisines, though curd rice still remains their favorite dish; Not eating “paneer” does not make them any less normal; Delhites are more flamboyant but we also observe traditions like they do in the south – only maybe not at early morning unearthly hours; We do not and cannot understand how a DJ can be substituted by Carnatic Music at a wedding; Just like everybody in the south is not from Madras, everybody in the north is not from Punjab;

More importantly - Moms on both the sides are fiercely protective of their sons; Relatives in both the states can get pesky; Everybody loves gifts;

And most importantly finally it’s not what community you belong to but who you are that makes all the difference – Generalizations are superficial!

All’s well that ends well, they say, and I agree. The wedding went off smoothly – North Indian style with my dad making some improvisations like making me sit on his lap for the “taali” (any need!) – and yes, I did wear the complete nine yards during the “pheras”.

Post the wedding, life’s changed – only slightly.

Sambhar-sadam goes along pretty well with paneer makhani, as does masala dosa with chhola bhhatura ;)!

Love Jehad

In an earlier post, I had talked about the complexity and heartache behind a girl changing her name after marriage. However, I realize this could be a much smaller issue, when compared to the ‘love jehad’ or ‘romeo jehad’ talked about in a news snippet here.

Apparently, some groups in Kerala are concertedly working on converting Hindu girls to Islam after they fall in love with Muslim boys.

I can’t even decipher the plethora of emotions that crossed my mind and heart as I read the article. It is not only to do with the status of women in our society even in this day and age; it also has not much to do with questions on will men convert instead; it is about introspecting on our own religion and our own god!

Ofcourse, this is no breaking news to any of us; we all have at some point or the other heard of such conversions in an inter-religion marriage – Hindu-Muslim, Hindu-Christian, Christian-Muslim. However, each time I read a story of coerced transition in the name of love and religion, I cringe in fear.

Every religion says one God, every religion says respect the other – If there is one God, and each religion simply sees a different manifestation of the same super power, we are doing a great injustice to our concept of God or the Almighty by forcing one to change his or her religion.

It is unfortunate that how the history of human kind unravels the degenerative association of God with religion, religion with traditions and beliefs, traditions and beliefs with division, division with hatred, and hatred with bloodshed.

This day...that year

Yes, it has been two years since we tied the knot. It's been a roller coaster really. Many of my friends comment that I am now "well married"; I wonder what they mean but somehow I still feel I am not "married enough" :).

It would take me an eternity to recap these two years that just flew by. The memories of February 19 2007 are so vivid in my mind. The whole wedding paraphernalia, the grandeur of the day, the intermingling of the joy of anticipation of a brand new phase and the sorrow of physically moving away from the family that is at the core of my being. Gosh, the big fat Indian wedding is no trivial task. It requires solid stamina, emotional support, meticulous planning and most importantly immense patience (the constant flow of curious relatives and friends, and what not).

Life's moved on, smooth sails and rough ones too, high tides and low tides but then life is always what you make it!

In the name of the father...

I chanced upon this article in the Sunday Times supplement of The Times of India today that talked about the different schools of thought around a girl changing her name (or second name) after marriage.
This discussion has gained prominence in the world of journalistic deliberation primarily because of Munnabhai's (that's Sanjay Dutt...just in case...) highly provocative statement about his sister Priya Dutt who retains her dad's surname after marriage and I quote Mr. Dutt here, "Priya should have changed her name after marriage and taken responsibility of the new family". For those out of touch, this is all in the context of the siblings tiff in the Indian political arena post their father, Sunil Dutt's demise.

Sanjay Dutt has obviously not taken his Wren & Martin lessons in English grammar very seriously in school. Changing name after marriage and taking on family responsibility are two disjoint ideas and therefore cannot be combined to make a single sentence. There is no relation between the first and second clause. Unfortunately, in our predominantly patriarchal social mindset, many people end up making this mistake.

Marriage is one of the most complex institutions in modern day society. And with too many conflicting notions that surround, I cannot even list all of them in one breath. Therefore, I will stick to only one...a girl's changing her name after marriage.
First, contrary to popular belief, this is not a pan-Indian or global phenomenon. Families in many parts of southern India and the world, for that matter, and those hailing from matriarchal societies in Kerala and Goa, retain their maiden name.
Second, there is no evidence of religious enforcement of this name changing ritual in any of our ancient texts (and I mean ancient texts of all religions) and it is absolutely not a legal mandate.

I am not sure how this naming changing business really came into practice. On some introspection, I feel it could be a practical arrangement between the husband and wife that maybe makes the day-to-day life simpler. I mean if you have the same second name as your spouse, the receptionist at the hotel you are checking in will not cast a suspicious glance, joint loans, property agreements and insurance claims are easier to negotiate, hospital formalities become a wee bit simpler et al. As decades passed by, I think, like most other pragmatic compacts, this became a societal norm and then a regulation.

The minute you begin imposing, somebody is bound to rebel and a revolution happens. And this issue inflamed most feminist movements as they equated the name change (and rightly so in cases where this is coerced) with a brand acquisition, you overtake a name and brandish it with yours to make it your own. I believe many families compelled, and still compel women to change not only their last name but also their first name. This, I perceive, as the height of commodification of women.
Thus, heralded the Hillary-Rodham-Clintons and Aishwarya-Rai-Bachhans. A safe technique to keep your cultural identity and yet mould yourself into the societal expectations of a married lady. Not bad, I'd say, only not very practical. I mean so Ash's daughter should be Ash2 Rai Bachhan, she marries a kapoor and becomes Ash2 Rai Bachhan Kapoor and imagine the plight of the third generation!

The simplistic solution some women have come up with is not to change their name at all. This is a quite feasible option but does not have the undeniable advantages of the first and second alternatives, and also particularly problematic once the kids come along. I mean, how insecure can I get about my "identity"...is my identity only my name?

So what do? Well those confused, join the gang. I continue to use my maiden name for all formal, legal and practical purposes. No, I am not a die-hard feminist who finds this as the means to get back at the male dominance and I hate it when people cast me as one. I use Yuvika Chaube for three reasons - the emotional one being that I like the way Yuvika Chaube sounds. The more formidable one being the amount of paper work involved in changing the name; I cringe at the thought of filling out long forms, going to sad government offices, court rounds etc.

Some years down the line, I plan to give this name change business a serious thought. I might be transformed into Yuvika Chaube Vishwanath..naah that's too long...I myself get breathless by the end of it, maybe just Yuvika Vishwanath or maybe Yuvika C Vishwanath...Sometimes I wonder if Yuvika would serve the purpose :).
For others, I would say go by your gut feel. Do what you feel is the best and would suit you the most.

Fortunately, there is no right or wrong to choose from here. Your name has nothing to do with how good a wife, daughter-in-law or mom you are!