Tuesday, March 4, 2014

The Stages of My Weight Loss Program

So, let's start with being honest. I have never ever been size zero - not for as long as I can remember (and I have a great memory). However, neither have I battled any weighty issues - mostly plump but not really overweight! Since I was about 16 or 17, whenever the weighing machine would tip on the wrong side of the 50 kg mark, I'd start a short-lived exercise (and a highly unsuccessful diet) regime, and things would be more or less okay. 

But, things are not so simple now. I blew 30 candles on my birthday cake last year, and delivered a baby the year before that. Frankly speaking, the 13 kgs I gained during pregnancy weren't all that much, and I lost 10 doing nothing at all. That made me very complacent and even 16 months after delivery, I have not been able to knock off the last couple of pounds! 

Month after month, I have drawn up long plans, which obviously have amounted to nothing. And the cyclical nature of my weight loss program is so hilarious even to me that I thought it might give you a reason for a good laugh too! So here are the different stages I go through, time and again:

Stage 1: I am so fat and ugly. 
I look at the old Ts in my closet that I have yet not packed away. Surely, I could get into them. But, wait I am so fat. I am sooo fat that I look ugly. How can I do this to myself? Oh my god, is that my photograph? I look round! This is depressing. I need to lose all that weight NOW.

Stage 2: Size Zero, Here I come!
People lose tens and tens of pounds, and I can't even lose a few? I am not ambitious enough. If I want to lose only a couple, I'll never lose them. So here's my new target - forget getting back to pre-pregnancy weight, I will now aim to be a size zero!

Stage 3: Exercise AND Diet Plan
I am a sensible educated person. No crash dieting, no heavy exercising. I draw a nice plan that is complete with a diet chart, which incorporates healthy meals every two hours - lot of fiber, fruits, veggies, low carbs, high protein and all the latest fads doing the rounds. Then a plan for exercise - squats, push ups, crunches, cardio - very holistic.

Stage 4: I love food. Exercise Only.
I have one life. How much do I anyways eat. A little bit of comfort eating here and there is not going to not make me size zero. I think I need to focus only on exercising. Let me increase that.

Stage 5: Where is the time to exercise? I need to diet.
Seriously, with a toddler to take care of, I think I can exercise? Don't I get enough exercise running after her and worrying about her. I don't even get enough sleep these days, how can I be healthy enough to exercise. Let me cut back on the calories in my food.

Stage 6: Food is my weakness. No strength/time for exercise.
No, just who can diet. I don't have fancy cooks nor can I afford those personal trainers. I mean who am I comparing myself with. My life is so busy - I don't have time to dish up healthy meals every 2 hours, and I am just too exhausted to exercise. I can't lead a deprived life - and there's only so much slogging out one can do, no?

Stage 7: Am I really that fat?
Sure, I am not as slim as before, but can I really call myself fat? I mean I might look fat in a particular kind of cut of dresses - and you know all those tops - those maybe just shrank in these god forsaken dryers. They are good for nothing, anyways. Isn't my BMI in the normal range? And, that weighing machine is not even reliable, I think. Hell! Skinny is not even healthy and not like I have signed a bikini modelling contract! 

Stage 8: I need a wardrobe overhaul!
I am just working myself into a depression. Oh c'mon, I can't go on trying to fit into old clothes all my life. The fashion trends are changing. I need to shop for more flattering silhouettes, that's all. Who knows, I might fit into a S size in some brand somewhere. And, anyways, what is that feel-good quote doing the social media round these days, "I might not have a perfect body, but I am a mother, and that is perfect." (bleh.) :P.


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