High Five!

So, Vish and I have now been married for 5 years - That's half a decade! Yep, it's still sinking in... 

How has it been? 

Normal, I guess. We have shared love, we have had moments when we wondered why the hell did we marry, we have fought battles, and then made up too ... and so we have lasted. :P

Now, I have let this great achievement get a little into my head and so, however unsolicited it may be, here's some invaluable and very practical marriage advice for all of you. I am sticking to just five key lessons here (High Five and all, you know...), please feel free to contact me for more.

STATUTORY WARNING: AS WILL BE OBVIOUS, THESE LESSONS HAVE BEEN WRITTEN FROM THE FEMALE POINT OF VIEW, BECAUSE AS YOU WILL LEARN OR MAY HAVE ALREADY LEARNED, THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT OF VIEW.

• First, and foremost, the wife is always right. ALWAYS. Be it her opinion on your wardrobe, your dining etiquette, your behavior with her friends, your job, your friend circle, your family (however touchy that may sound), everything. She is right. If ever you feel that she is in the wrong, please refer to the previous statement.

• The wife should never over analyze her husband's change in mood swings. Men are thick-skinned, simple creatures. Their pissed off demeanor has nothing to do with the caustic remark you made, or the stinky message you sent, or some comment your mom, dad or best friend made. There is no deep rooted anxiety of the future or current existential crisis. Men cannot and do not think or emotionally process so much data. And no, they are not cheating on you. 99.99% of the times, you can safely bet your life that either they are hungry (and I mean for food :D) or their favorite sports team lost some tournament. Dish up their favorite cuisine, feign some sympathy for the worthless match, and life is hunky dory again!

• To the husbands: Let me break it to you - your wife does NOT have psychic powers. We, wives, cannot fathom how much you love us if you forget the date we first met or the day you proposed; we absolutely fail to understand that you appreciate our labor in the kitchen and laundry, if you don't even offer to help every  now and then; and we do not get how special we mean to you till you provide some tangible evidence (in the form of flowers, candle-lit dinners, gifts, and other 'precious nothings'). If you feel it, SHOW it.

• Now, even though men have read this atleast a thousand times - forwards, FB jokes and what not, yet they do not seem to take this seriously. This is no laughing matter. Let me REiterate, two very important facts. 1. When you ask us if something is wrong, and we say NOTHING - it means EVERYTHING about you is wrong, and if you don't make serious amends, you are in for serious trouble. 2. If at the end of your justification, clarification, or your side of the argument, we say WHATEVER - it does not mean everything is fine and we are back to hugging and making up - it means whatever you stated was absolute bulls***, and since you exercised your freedom of expression, and not the right to remain silent, you are doomed even more.

• Last, but not the least, no wife becomes fat, puts on weight, grows old or looks ugly. Here is a cheat code for you husbands, who just don't give the right answers ('I don't know' is also a wrong answer):

Q: Have I put on weight recently?

A (very emphatically): Ofcourse not. You look gorgeous as always. Infact, I am a little scared of your eating habits - you need to eat well.

(Note: You cannot say I like your curves, I like you plump etc etc. That is suicide!)

Q: Do I look fatter than Kareena Kapoor/Katrina Kaif/Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Anniston etc. etc.

A (with genuine honesty in your tone): Who? I haven't even noticed them! Aren't they all old and freckled now. With all that make up and the right camera angles, they look forgettable, imagine their true selves.

Q: Don't I look old now, considering when we first started dating. Is my skin sagging; do I already have crow feet; do you still feel the same about me, about us?

A (looking deep into her eyes): I can't make out an iota of difference from when I first saw you. You have the same vibrance and glow. I think you are ageless.

See, how simple it is! Honesty and straight forward approach - the two golden compasses of a happily ever after!