Monday, August 10, 2020

Walk with me...

Walk with me..

Even though you kick hard 

for someone so tiny.

Can't wait for you to see these sights

When you are out of my belly.


Walk with me...

Your curious eyes absorbing

Everything they can see.

Not too happy constrained in a stroller,

You'll soon be on your own two feet.


Walk with me...

My heart melts eveytime

Your little finger wraps around mine

Uncertain steps but a strong will

There are places you simply must be.


Walk with me...

But I know you'd rather prefer

To run a mile ahead of me.

The first realizations that I cannot hold you forever,

Begin to dawn on me.


Walk with me...

You stride so beautifully;

I can't take my eyes off you.

We match our steps and our enthusiasm -

New adventures await you and me.


Walk with me...

I think I get tired more often now;

I sometimes struggle to keep pace.

But I promise I do try, and the world

Is such a wonderful place for you and me.


Walk with me...

I need your hand

The hills seem steeper than before

Leap forward, race ahead, my dear

But promise to keep checking in for me.


Walk with me...

Distances and spaces separate us,

But our love mends them all.

Carry me in your heart my little one -

It's you who breathes life into me.

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Rain...

We played in it in abandonment
Drenched in the ecstasy of youth
Those innocent carefree caresses
Soaked tresses and glistening faces

Shivering in the aftermath
The sultry humidity helping little
But assuring comforting warmth and cheer
Far cry from this icy chill that envelopes now

Do you reminisce those moments too?
Can you count the knots in your heart when you do?
Don't the miles we have travelled since bother you?
Can you feel the falling drops missing you?

When the sun in shining bright and happy
I don't expect you to remember
But it must still rain in your city...
How do you keep from thinking about me then?

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Home...

In a parallel universe, today I would be at "home" with my parents in Delhi...Thanks to the global pandemic I am here thousands of miles away reminiscing about where home is. Home is where the heart is, they say. But what happens when your heart is split - it's pieces claimed by more than one person, more than one location...you end up having "homes".

Till we had Manya I think my idea of home was very singular. Vish and I moved around so much together that home for me was where my parents are. Young and footloose, we were so caught up in the idea of exploring the world, that we bounced from destination to destination rather than finding our forever nesting grounds.
(Well forever is a mirage, I have learnt, and I think I may have given up the pursuit of such fleeting illusions - perks of growing old)

Like most children do for their parents, I guess, M brought with her ties and knots that made us a family. She had us hook, line, and sinker. We made a home together. Suddenly home wasn't only the home that I grew up in but also the home my child was flourishing in with meaningful memories etched on walls forever. The realization of the responsibility of being the forever home for your kid like your parents are for you is very humbling and extremely daunting.

The joy and richness of more than one warm, comforting haven is often rivaled by an equally measurable ache that the distance from loved ones brings.

Living far away from my parents and brother; knowing that my daughter will in the years to come have to make decisions of her own...I allow myself to wallow in self pity - my heart is never going to be one whole again. 

Thursday, June 11, 2020

In the Emerald City...

...not of Oz but the shining gem of the Pacific Northwest - Seattle. So we moved up north from Portland - more than two and a half years ago! What do they say about better late than never?

Well for one, I am getting too old for packing things up and setting up home again. The kid though has been a champ with the big move.

Life has been humming by fairly steadily - we found a home to call ours, a nice neighborhood, a great community, a wonderful city, an awesome school, lovely friends, favorite hangouts .... basically the village is being formed. 

I love the overcast weather - have never been a sun person - its cold and damp 8-9 months atleast and I don't complain. M could take some more dry spells because rain often interferes with plans in the great outdoors. However our tolerance for other weathers is decreasing. If it's 55F and sunny, M declares it a hot, sunny day and strips down to shorts and will eat only watermelon and icecream. I lose patience if it crosses 74F. Vish wears hoodies till its 76F and then complains at 77F that it has become too warm! So go figure!

Seattle is beautiful, green - no dearth of places to visit or hikes to do. It's avant-garde - arts, foods - it has something for everyone. We do miss the exclusivity and the "smallness" of Portland as tens of miles mean nothing in this giant city with a huge suburbia but you do best with what you get. M often syas I do not want to move to anywhere - I just smile - it's forever till today. Tomorrow guarantees nothing.

(And now with no posts for 3+ years and two in a single day, I might have jinxed my come back. Still looking for my muse, for inspiration to strike...)


Passing thoughts...

It has been more than three years that I have posted on this blog (I still continue to post in fits and starts on my mommy blog) - A lot has happened since then or not, maybe, who knows. Has it taken a global pandemic to make me cawl back into what used to be may favorite place on the world wide web? Not sure. In one moment, I feel I have so much to write about and in another I am blank. I second guess my opinions. Some days I am not sure how I feel about anything and everything. Have I become a fence sitter too long? It is a comfortable position but not very rewarding. Over the years, I feel my leanings and affliations have become theoretical - they inhabit the space between far left and far right, a little bit of this and that -  When I see the people around me I seem to have known for ever, I see them taking stand, gravitating towards firm, almost rigid, views on a particular side - while I swim in the murky grey waters where I don't have much company.

Increasingly, I get this feeling that the world and the people are getting polarized - not many want to trudge the middle ground any more. If you don't take a "stand", your view is considered pointless or just not interesting enough. There is growing absolutism in faith, belief, the sides we take. We no longer want to talk about the pros and cons of the two sides - any attempt at the same is promptly dismissed as appeasement and even libtardism. Absolutist discourses make me uneasy and uncomfortable.

As I often find myself pondering over this shift in attitudes and behaviors I wonder is it because moderation is not cutting it anymore? Making allowances for everybody's failures and everybody's wins is no longer cool because is it no longer working for the civilization - Is the need for "radical" change driving this wave of 'my way or the highway' sentiment. I am not naive enough to not understand that activism needs more substance that theoretical ruminations...  Maybe revolutions cannot be brought over by empathy for all involved. 

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

A decade of marital...

umm, marital  bliss. (sorry, too rosy)...marital discord. (no, too negative)... marital cord. (seems too forced)... marital...eff it. There's no perfect way of putting this - a decade of marriage. Yes, so, this past week, Vish and I celebrated 10 years of being institutionalized in the socially enforced and culturally mandated, in our case, also self inflicted, paradigm of matrimony.

Once your wedding anniversary cake needs two candles, you know your relationship has evolved to a more-or-less stable plateau. The peaks and the troughs have mellowed to a more balanced cardiogram - this evolution is not easy though. So, ladies and gentlemen after five lessons of marriage and the seven secrets of a happily-ever after, presenting to you 10 different way your relationship evolves once you tie "the' knot. If you nod your head in agreement, do share the love and if you don't I'd really want to hear from you!

Here goes...(Needless to mention it is from the wife's perspective, which also happens to be the right perspective)



Dating period
Honeymoon period (first 1-2 years)
5-7 Year Milestone
10 Year Milestone
1. His Memory
10/10 - remembers first meeting, what you wore on the first date, date and time when he proposed, date and time when you sad yes etc etc.
8/10 - The wedding ritual itself seems to damage the part of the brain that stores dates and events for most men. However, with some hinting, they do remember at this stage and will also work towards making it up to you.
4.5/10 - There’s a complete loss of memory from the Pre wedding era. That they are alive is only because birthday and wedding anniversary dates are not forgotten.
Never mind the score - you announce the celebratory event date and time weeks in advance, plan the details, and set up calendar invites so there are no “surprises”.
2. His presents
Not just physical expressions of love but long letters, love ballads, musical compositions and what not
Surprise presents sill happen every once in a while, there are surprise trips too - celebrations are mostly lavish.
“What presents do you need? Am I not your greatest gift? You have everything,it is very difficult to buy anything for you.”
She finally takes charge - spends time researching her own perfect gift and then buys it on his behalf. No disappointments on either side.
3. Text messages
I love you.
I Love you too.
She: Why don’t we text each other like we used to?
He: What do you mean?
Is there tylenol at home? I have a massive headache.
4. Random phone calls
1152 times a day
I was missing you / your voice. Blah blah.
2-3 times a day
Now we stay together right, what’s the point of calls!
Why did you call?
Just like that.
Arre, didn’t we just meet in the morning, and will meet again in the evening.
If something comes up and is really important, text me.
5. Good mornings
Early morning calls - yours is the first voice I want to hear when I get up.
Good morning love, how nice to see your face the first thing every morning.
Why do you put an alarm when you don’t want to get up - it always disturbs my sleep.
It’s your turn to wake up early with the little one - get out of bed, now.
6. Dreamy nights
Long never ending phone call till one literally falls asleep.
Oh love!
I don’t understand how a person can take over the entire bed while sleeping - I have been suffering now for so many years.
Did you lock the front door?
But you came in after me?
But I asked you to check?
Did you atleast switch off all the lights?
Why is there only one responsible person in this house?
7. His compliments
You are the most beautiful - your hair, your eyes, your face, your cheeks, your lips, your hips, the feet everything!
You are so beautiful.
She:How am I looking today?
He: As always.
She: And how do I look “always”
He: Usual
She: ??
He: Great
She: How am I looking today?
He: Awesome (has not bothered to so much as even glance in your direction)
8. His observations on her cooking
She: I can’t cook.
He: Who needs food, we will live on love.
She makes half-cooked half-burnt food.
He: this is the yummiest food I have ever had
She has graduated to a reasonably decent cook.
He; I don’t like how you make aloo gobhi (a medley of potatoes and cauliflower). I don’t like baingan (egg plant).
She is a confident cook now - and she no longer needs his opinion. He has two choices eat it or leave it. He doesn’t complain anymore.
9. His shopping behaviour
Oh those trips to the mall hand in hand.
I’ll buy what you like and you buy what I like.
Why do you take so long shopping? Why do you shop so much?
He: Bye, have fun shopping. I will stay at home - can you please get a couple of Ts and shorts for me too. And I am out of perfume. If you see a good wallet and a belt - but only if you come across a decent shirt….
10. Expression of love
I love you 1241 times a day
5-10 times a day
Occasionally - on special events
I don’t understand why anyone would say I love you.If you truly mean it, it will show, you don’t have to say it.Ofcourse I love you, that’s why we are together even after all these years. That is so naive.
Uh oh.

So which stage of evolution are you in?


Wednesday, November 18, 2015

What is God?

We have started having conversations about God with our three year old, and if God's here, religion's not far behind, right? Read our approach here and let me know what you think about it.

What is God?

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Lament of the First Silver

As I brushed my (not-so) long (not-so) silky mane in front of the mirror today,
My eyes noticed a shimmer in one of those (not-so) desirable tresses -
What was it - a play of the newly fitted incandescent light bulb?
As I looked closer, my heart grew heavier...
However fanciful a sliver might sound - there was my first white - white as snow!

Oh good lord, my first white at the (not-so) tender age of four years before thirty-five
Does this happen, is it true, was this a sign of a cancer or a tumor or worse,was it simply old age?
Old age at one year after thirty - has this what it has come to? Should I sign my will already?
Are days of spring long gone, am I in the autumn of my life already?

Oh but hang on, what was that news about pollution and stress - all those chemicals in the food and air?
I look around and forget the pollution, there's my toddler and my (supposed) better half 
There's also some unrecognizable mess on the rug, and piles of laundry from the weekend.
I can't blame the gray today on global warming alone, I sigh!

My first reaction was of rage - I plucked that unwanted weed from my (not-so) happy garden
The sense of foreboding doom loomed large over my (otherwise fairly well) being
And I turned for solace to my best friend these days - the WWW.
Don't pluck, it said - color it the colors of joy - like really burgundy colored white hair seem like the thing?

Disheartened I called my loving mother who was mighty amused and said - one's a mother's blessing!
Humbug, clearly she waited a little over three decades to bless her daughter...
I mentioned it in passing to the man of the house who tutted over his tablet without so much as a glance up.
With accusatory eyes I showed the lock to my daughter who heartlessly laughed away my lamentation.

Clearly, I am growing old, in oblivion.

(Epilogue:
A couple of calming scoops of strawberry icecream later, I am trying to live again
It is difficult I won't deny, but then I take my self for a survivor.
Life is so cruel that it beats me, I think I need to open some wine tonight -
That with more icecream and chocolate should show that mocking silver that I haven't given up, as yet!)

Friday, February 20, 2015

A decadent and sinful celebration!

Vish and I clocked 8 years together as a married couple, and with a toddler on a week day, this was pretty much the highlight of our day (after a satiating meal of home made pasta and bruschetta - yes, you see I am finding my way back to the kitchen :p)!

This is an Irish car bomb cake - A chocolate Guinness cake with a subtle flavor of Irish whiskey. The frosting is whipped cream cheese with a hint of whiskey for the layers and Baileys for the top. Here's the recipe I followed. And if you are not drooling already, here's the picture of the show stopper of the evening.


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A generation lost.

Today my nani (mom's mom) passed away...

...what she has left behind is memories - of huge jars of amle ka murabba, meethe aate ke cheele, suji ke pue, aloo ki roti (so that I would eat aloo paratha during those fussy teen years when crash diets were the norm), daal and rice from the solar cooker, hand knitted baby sweaters and nappies, her gentle voice (In all these years, I had never heard a shout or an angry tone), her subtle sense of humor, her liberal thinking, her spectacles, her freckled hands that were always soft, the pallu on her head, the red bindi, the grey curls, the bend of her spine as she said her prayers, and also the hesitant footsteps, the forgotten words, the empty silent eyes, and the fading touch with reality in the last few years. 

With her going, I have no grandparents left. She has taken with her a whole generation of "parents". 
Life is cruel; it is brutal.

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