To The Lord of the Rings (or not)...

Dear Tommy (waiting for you to claim yourself as The Lord of the Rings),

Thank you for the beautiful gold ring (that you claim in the accompanying tag as pure and of a considerable gram value) that you sent. It came well in time for my birthday. I was delighted - not my husband though. But you never mind him, he has never been fond of competition. 

What ofcourse makes your gift so very special is that I don't know you - absolutely no clue as to why a complete stranger would be so benevolent. I have to just presume you know me and are very fond of me - how you got my address and full name is a mystery that shall baffle me forever. The fostering of this relationship of wonder between you and me has an endearing romance to it, don't you think so? My daughter does. She exclaimed, "Mom, you have a secret lover!" with such joy and enthusiasm that I almost forgot I was turning 37 and not 17. 

Her dad, who like I said before can be a bit of a kill joy, jumped to the conclusion that this was some sort of a scam. Now what kind of a scam is this where I get things and not lose my money, I naively tell him. He's exasperated. While I allow myself to indulge in fascination and the charm of an elusive puzzle, my daughter joins him in conspiracy theories ranging from a smitten unknown trying to woo me - to - maybe the ring being laced with poison from a long forgotten enemy - to corona virus packaged in. (It is 2020 afterall - anything is possible!)

Why was I chosen? Can such questions really not be answered? So finally I searched your address and name on the big wide web out there - and when I saw the results, I felt cheated, almost like a jilted lover. You did not choose me for any merit, power, wisdom or eternal love. You have been sending out rings to quite a few people. That's not romantic at all, Tommy! Simply not done! Why would you do that? Even if you doubted I'd reciprocate your grand gesture or not, you should have atleast waited - clearly I was not even number 1 on your priority list. That knowledge did wither my otherwise blooming heart alive with all the prospects that could be, but alas. I don't know why you sent the ring, what you hoped to achieve but now your ring lies spurned in one corner - very close to the trash can - not sure what's stopping me from tossing it in - maybe I am still deciding what bin it should go into - trash, compost or recycle. 

(P.S. One deep corner of my heart does admire you though for your commitment irrespective of what the others might think of your present - unrequited love or rather in your case no need for any response from the other end - it does have a glamorous allure to it - pining away for nothing - oh tell me you have weeping willows in your yard or atleast an arm of wisteria under which you sit and decide who to send such tokens to.)

And hey, I would never judge a gift or the giver usually but here I am obliged to give you honest feedback - that ring didn't even fit me - it was much to big; the pattern was not elegant enough; the packaging leaves much to be desired - and how do I believe you it is real! Next time, do send in an order form at the same address before dispatching jewellery so that I am not disappointed. As for you sending presents to multiple recipients, that is your prerogative, I have come to understand - you must have a large heart.

Anyways, thank you for introducing some excitment in my life even if just for a few moments. Days can get dull and monotonous and while you may or may not be The Lord of the Rings (can you bend the ring with your will?), I was reminded of these lines:

"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

In the Land of Mordo where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Never yours, but still with some warmth,

Yuvika

A Letter to the Previous Owner of MY Mobile Number

[Update: This post was selected as the BlogHer Voice Of the Year Post 2014.]

Dear Latania,

(I hope I spelled your name correctly - I tried to decipher the spelling phonetically from how you are addressed in calls and voice mails. Your texting friends, don't write your name.)

Let me first introduce myself. I am Yuvika and have had the great (mis)fortune of owning the mobile number that you previously had. It has been a year and not a single week (or rather fortnight actually) has gone by that I haven't regretted wondered at my luck of getting this very number from T-mobile. Such events in my life re-affirm my otherwise non-existent faith in karma. 

Anyways, coming back to the subject of this letter. From what I notice, you have not bothered to inform anybody - friends, family, ex-es, banks, credit card associations, health teams - that you have changed your number or are no longer available on this number. With the result, I very humbly have taken down all the information various stakeholders/parties wanted to share with you. 

So just in case you have been searching the Internet for information on your personal life, I hope you find this blog post and there's an archaic Indian-English way of saying this, "Hope this letter finds you in the pink of health." :D.

Without delaying your agony further, here are the updates from the past one year in chronological order (mostly). 

• A friend of yours and her mother wanted to have you over for thanksgiving last year. They said they knew you'd be bored and without company, hence the invite. Sorry, I don't remember the name from the voice mail. I was recovering from post-partum blues and hence my concentration was elsewhere. (Note 1: I fail to understand how people can leave a voice message for someone else on my personalized voice mail :()

• I think you are part of some mass messaging group. I got 43 messages wishing you a happy new year. You sure must have had a great new year. But, sadly you won't get these wishes anymore because, I tracked down the original mass sender's mobile number and let "her" know that you are no longer available on this number.

• Mark called to wish you a happy new year too. He has an incredibly sexy voice and when I told him this number was not yours, he so very courteously apologized. In his gorgeously husky baritone, he said, "I am so very sorry  but nevertheless a very happy new year to you too. Have a great one." Awww. Only that day, I didn't mind (so much) having this number ;).

• The Delta Skymiles Credit Card customer care has been trying to reach you forever. I get atleast one call per week from them. From the voice mails they leave, looks like you have a long overdue payment. When I do happen to attend the call, the agents (mostly females) are quite curt and icy in their mannerisms. I think they do not believe me when I say I don't know you. I no longer attend calls from that number now. And because the customer care is soo freakin' rude, am glad you haven't paid them. They are dumb too, if they have still not found an alternate way to reach you.

• All through the winter months, the NoVa school community board kept me updated about when the district schools were closed because of the snow and when they were reopening. No, I don't have school-going children of my own, but my husband found these early morning texts very useful in order for him to decide his POA for the day.

• Your ex-husband called about a week back. (Note 2: I must say the "calling" men in your life have good baritones.) He did not leave a message with me and was rather in a hurry to cancel the call (quite unusual from your usual callers who seem to have a lot of time and inclination for polite chatter).

• Two of your girlfriends sent you an MMS with their picture outside Macy's in Times Square, New York - the accompanying message was, We Miss You! I wanted to text them back saying that the picture quality was very poor and it's no longer very hep to get clicked outside that particular Macy's. Maybe, I missed an intended personal memory or joke.

• A friend of yours sent you lengthy texts about how her cousin's mom was not being treated well at her old age home and she was looking at alternatives. I thought I should reply back, so I did - very politely telling them I was not the intended recipient. She stopped sending the texts, but did not thank me. I am slightly offended.

• Your dentist's office called - you are apparently due for your annual checkup. I told them your teeth were doing great and you no longer needed their services.

• And finally, in the last 48 hours, I have received 8 automated calls from Bank of America, all with the message, "There has been an unusual activity in your Bank of America debit card." I suggest you contact them, before this unintended unusual activity becomes usual.

Apart from all of this, I also get a lot of random calls asking for you but my apologies, I have no updates or details from any of them. I am sure you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

As and when, I have more information to share, I will write to you again.

Yours sincerely,

The current owner of your previous mobile number.