This is 40.

Four decades of hearts and spades -

The heat of summer slowly fades…

From not caring what the world thinks,

To discovering it doesn’t care to think.

Grey hair, crow feet, and wrinkles -

Merrily coexisting with still surfacing pimples.

Stuck between saving for the future,

And realizing “you live life only once”!

The bartender no longer asks for my ID,

And neck tightening cream ads crowd the feed on FB (seriously, wtf!)

People around me keep getting younger…the teacher, the police officer…

Can’t keep my new ob/gyn - ffs, the doctor needs to be older!

20 years ago is no longer in the 90s

George Clooney and Hugh Grant are in their 60s!

New words sneak into my vocabulary -

Retinoid, collagen and apparently the need for vitamin c?

Trying to hold a plank and committing to regular stretching,

While snapping some unknown muscle doing nothing .

The self righteous follies of younger days

Have moved over for calmer acceptance of others’ ways..

While my jokes continue to be incorrect, politically,

In my heart I surely am less judgmental.

Also, the way it goes, Age is just a number…

But pls somebody wake my metabolism up from its slumber!

Life begins at 40, they say

9 pm is when I am done with the day.

Quadragenarian is the word. fellow millennials!

40 is the new 20 they advertise,

40 is the new 40, I summarize.

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38Nithya Iyer, Aparna Bhaduri and 36 others

To the other colored

My innocence is white as the pristine veil of the bride

The cold isolation I feel when you ignore me is also white

The light that shines in my eyes with hope and laughter is yellow

When you resent me, yellow is the fear and sickness of my heart gone hollow

The beautiful earth that gave birth to me and you is brown

Brown is the dirt on me when you throw me down

Black is the power and authority of my written word

My anger at your injustice is black and so is all the hurt

Then there are all these colors that we experience together -

The red that flows through our veins, the blue that covers us all,

The green that we breathe and depend on

The pink, the fuchsia, the crimson, the peach, the violet -

In our setting suns and sun rises

Yes, I am a person of color and so are you.

We are all people of color in a colored world with every hue.

(Inspiration for this poem was a conversation with my daughter here.)

Fall sunsets...

 

The slanting oblique rays of the sinking sun

Turning everything a brilliant hue of golden;

Crimson and fuchshia dance around in the sky -

A riot of colors in the vast expanse up high.

As the embers begin to die down

At the extreme edge of the horizon,

Nostalgia and melancholy intermingle and I sigh.

Moments sometimes linger but years sure do fly -

Like sand thru the fingers, everything does slip by.

As  twlight engulfs the whole world in its fold,

I worry the night creeps slowly yet steadily into my soul...

To The Lord of the Rings (or not)...

Dear Tommy (waiting for you to claim yourself as The Lord of the Rings),

Thank you for the beautiful gold ring (that you claim in the accompanying tag as pure and of a considerable gram value) that you sent. It came well in time for my birthday. I was delighted - not my husband though. But you never mind him, he has never been fond of competition. 

What ofcourse makes your gift so very special is that I don't know you - absolutely no clue as to why a complete stranger would be so benevolent. I have to just presume you know me and are very fond of me - how you got my address and full name is a mystery that shall baffle me forever. The fostering of this relationship of wonder between you and me has an endearing romance to it, don't you think so? My daughter does. She exclaimed, "Mom, you have a secret lover!" with such joy and enthusiasm that I almost forgot I was turning 37 and not 17. 

Her dad, who like I said before can be a bit of a kill joy, jumped to the conclusion that this was some sort of a scam. Now what kind of a scam is this where I get things and not lose my money, I naively tell him. He's exasperated. While I allow myself to indulge in fascination and the charm of an elusive puzzle, my daughter joins him in conspiracy theories ranging from a smitten unknown trying to woo me - to - maybe the ring being laced with poison from a long forgotten enemy - to corona virus packaged in. (It is 2020 afterall - anything is possible!)

Why was I chosen? Can such questions really not be answered? So finally I searched your address and name on the big wide web out there - and when I saw the results, I felt cheated, almost like a jilted lover. You did not choose me for any merit, power, wisdom or eternal love. You have been sending out rings to quite a few people. That's not romantic at all, Tommy! Simply not done! Why would you do that? Even if you doubted I'd reciprocate your grand gesture or not, you should have atleast waited - clearly I was not even number 1 on your priority list. That knowledge did wither my otherwise blooming heart alive with all the prospects that could be, but alas. I don't know why you sent the ring, what you hoped to achieve but now your ring lies spurned in one corner - very close to the trash can - not sure what's stopping me from tossing it in - maybe I am still deciding what bin it should go into - trash, compost or recycle. 

(P.S. One deep corner of my heart does admire you though for your commitment irrespective of what the others might think of your present - unrequited love or rather in your case no need for any response from the other end - it does have a glamorous allure to it - pining away for nothing - oh tell me you have weeping willows in your yard or atleast an arm of wisteria under which you sit and decide who to send such tokens to.)

And hey, I would never judge a gift or the giver usually but here I am obliged to give you honest feedback - that ring didn't even fit me - it was much to big; the pattern was not elegant enough; the packaging leaves much to be desired - and how do I believe you it is real! Next time, do send in an order form at the same address before dispatching jewellery so that I am not disappointed. As for you sending presents to multiple recipients, that is your prerogative, I have come to understand - you must have a large heart.

Anyways, thank you for introducing some excitment in my life even if just for a few moments. Days can get dull and monotonous and while you may or may not be The Lord of the Rings (can you bend the ring with your will?), I was reminded of these lines:

"Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,

Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men, doomed to die,

One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

In the Land of Mordo where the Shadows lie.

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Never yours, but still with some warmth,

Yuvika

Walk with me...

Walk with me..

Even though you kick hard 

for someone so tiny.

Can't wait for you to see these sights

When you are out of my belly.

Walk with me...

Your curious eyes absorbing

Everything they can see.

Not too happy constrained in a stroller,

You'll soon be on your own two feet.

Walk with me...

My heart melts eveytime

Your little finger wraps around mine

Uncertain steps but a strong will

There are places you simply must be.

Walk with me...

But I know you'd rather prefer

To run a mile ahead of me.

The first realizations that I cannot hold you forever,

Begin to dawn on me.

Walk with me...

You stride so beautifully;

I can't take my eyes off you.

We match our steps and our enthusiasm -

New adventures await you and me.

Walk with me...

I think I get tired more often now;

I sometimes struggle to keep pace.

But I promise I do try, and the world

Is such a wonderful place for you and me.

Walk with me...

I need your hand

The hills seem steeper than before

Leap forward, race ahead, my dear

But promise to keep checking in for me.

Walk with me...

Distances and spaces separate us,

But our love mends them all.

Carry me in your heart my little one -

It's you who breathes life into me.

Rain...

We played in it in abandonment
Drenched in the ecstasy of youth
Those innocent carefree caresses
Soaked tresses and glistening faces

Shivering in the aftermath
The sultry humidity helping little
But assuring comforting warmth and cheer
Far cry from this icy chill that envelopes now

Do you reminisce those moments too?
Can you count the knots in your heart when you do?
Don't the miles we have travelled since bother you?
Can you feel the falling drops missing you?

When the sun in shining bright and happy
I don't expect you to remember
But it must still rain in your city...
How do you keep from thinking about me then?

Home...

In a parallel universe, today I would be at "home" with my parents in Delhi...Thanks to the global pandemic I am here thousands of miles away reminiscing about where home is. Home is where the heart is, they say. But what happens when your heart is split - it's pieces claimed by more than one person, more than one location...you end up having "homes".

Till we had Manya I think my idea of home was very singular. Vish and I moved around so much together that home for me was where my parents are. Young and footloose, we were so caught up in the idea of exploring the world, that we bounced from destination to destination rather than finding our forever nesting grounds.
(Well forever is a mirage, I have learnt, and I think I may have given up the pursuit of such fleeting illusions - perks of growing old)

Like most children do for their parents, I guess, M brought with her ties and knots that made us a family. She had us hook, line, and sinker. We made a home together. Suddenly home wasn't only the home that I grew up in but also the home my child was flourishing in with meaningful memories etched on walls forever. The realization of the responsibility of being the forever home for your kid like your parents are for you is very humbling and extremely daunting.

The joy and richness of more than one warm, comforting haven is often rivaled by an equally measurable ache that the distance from loved ones brings.

Living far away from my parents and brother; knowing that my daughter will in the years to come have to make decisions of her own...I allow myself to wallow in self pity - my heart is never going to be one whole again. 

In the Emerald City...

...not of Oz but the shining gem of the Pacific Northwest - Seattle. So we moved up north from Portland - more than two and a half years ago! What do they say about better late than never?

Well for one, I am getting too old for packing things up and setting up home again. The kid though has been a champ with the big move.

Life has been humming by fairly steadily - we found a home to call ours, a nice neighborhood, a great community, a wonderful city, an awesome school, lovely friends, favorite hangouts .... basically the village is being formed. 

I love the overcast weather - have never been a sun person - its cold and damp 8-9 months atleast and I don't complain. M could take some more dry spells because rain often interferes with plans in the great outdoors. However our tolerance for other weathers is decreasing. If it's 55F and sunny, M declares it a hot, sunny day and strips down to shorts and will eat only watermelon and icecream. I lose patience if it crosses 74F. Vish wears hoodies till its 76F and then complains at 77F that it has become too warm! So go figure!

Seattle is beautiful, green - no dearth of places to visit or hikes to do. It's avant-garde - arts, foods - it has something for everyone. We do miss the exclusivity and the "smallness" of Portland as tens of miles mean nothing in this giant city with a huge suburbia but you do best with what you get. M often syas I do not want to move to anywhere - I just smile - it's forever till today. Tomorrow guarantees nothing.

(And now with no posts for 3+ years and two in a single day, I might have jinxed my come back. Still looking for my muse, for inspiration to strike...)

Passing thoughts...

It has been more than three years that I have posted on this blog (I still continue to post in fits and starts on my mommy blog) - A lot has happened since then or not, maybe, who knows. Has it taken a global pandemic to make me cawl back into what used to be may favorite place on the world wide web? Not sure. In one moment, I feel I have so much to write about and in another I am blank. I second guess my opinions. Some days I am not sure how I feel about anything and everything. Have I become a fence sitter too long? It is a comfortable position but not very rewarding. Over the years, I feel my leanings and affliations have become theoretical - they inhabit the space between far left and far right, a little bit of this and that -  When I see the people around me I seem to have known for ever, I see them taking stand, gravitating towards firm, almost rigid, views on a particular side - while I swim in the murky grey waters where I don't have much company.

Increasingly, I get this feeling that the world and the people are getting polarized - not many want to trudge the middle ground any more. If you don't take a "stand", your view is considered pointless or just not interesting enough. There is growing absolutism in faith, belief, the sides we take. We no longer want to talk about the pros and cons of the two sides - any attempt at the same is promptly dismissed as appeasement and even libtardism. Absolutist discourses make me uneasy and uncomfortable.

As I often find myself pondering over this shift in attitudes and behaviors I wonder is it because moderation is not cutting it anymore? Making allowances for everybody's failures and everybody's wins is no longer cool because is it no longer working for the civilization - Is the need for "radical" change driving this wave of 'my way or the highway' sentiment. I am not naive enough to not understand that activism needs more substance that theoretical ruminations...  Maybe revolutions cannot be brought over by empathy for all involved. 

A decade of marital...

umm, marital  bliss. (sorry, too rosy)...marital discord. (no, too negative)... marital cord. (seems too forced)... marital...eff it. There's no perfect way of putting this - a decade of marriage. Yes, so, this past week, Vish and I celebrated 10 years of being institutionalized in the socially enforced and culturally mandated, in our case, also self inflicted, paradigm of matrimony.

Once your wedding anniversary cake needs two candles, you know your relationship has evolved to a more-or-less stable plateau. The peaks and the troughs have mellowed to a more balanced cardiogram - this evolution is not easy though. So, ladies and gentlemen after five lessons of marriage and the seven secrets of a happily-ever after, presenting to you 10 different way your relationship evolves once you tie "the' knot. If you nod your head in agreement, do share the love and if you don't I'd really want to hear from you!

Here goes...(Needless to mention it is from the wife's perspective, which also happens to be the right perspective)

	Dating period	Honeymoon period (first 1-2 years)	5-7 Year Milestone	10 Year Milestone
1. His Memory	10/10 - remembers first meeting, what you wore on the first date, date and time when he proposed, date and time when you sad yes etc etc.	8/10 - The wedding ritual itself seems to damage the part of the brain that stores dates and events for most men. However, with some hinting, they do remember at this stage and will also work towards making it up to you.	4.5/10 - There’s a complete loss of memory from the Pre wedding era. That they are alive is only because birthday and wedding anniversary dates are not forgotten.	Never mind the score - you announce the celebratory event date and time weeks in advance, plan the details, and set up calendar invites so there are no “surprises”.
2. His presents	Not just physical expressions of love but long letters, love ballads, musical compositions and what not	Surprise presents sill happen every once in a while, there are surprise trips too - celebrations are mostly lavish.	“What presents do you need? Am I not your greatest gift? You have everything,it is very difficult to buy anything for you.”	She finally takes charge - spends time researching her own perfect gift and then buys it on his behalf. No disappointments on either side.
3. Text messages	I love you.	I Love you too.	She: Why don’t we text each other like we used to? He: What do you mean?	Is there tylenol at home? I have a massive headache.
4. Random phone calls	1152 times a day I was missing you / your voice. Blah blah.	2-3 times a day Now we stay together right, what’s the point of calls!	Why did you call? Just like that. Arre, didn’t we just meet in the morning, and will meet again in the evening.	If something comes up and is really important, text me.
5. Good mornings	Early morning calls - yours is the first voice I want to hear when I get up.	Good morning love, how nice to see your face the first thing every morning.	Why do you put an alarm when you don’t want to get up - it always disturbs my sleep.	It’s your turn to wake up early with the little one - get out of bed, now.
6. Dreamy nights	Long never ending phone call till one literally falls asleep.	Oh love!	I don’t understand how a person can take over the entire bed while sleeping - I have been suffering now for so many years.	Did you lock the front door? But you came in after me? But I asked you to check? Did you atleast switch off all the lights? Why is there only one responsible person in this house?
7. His compliments	You are the most beautiful - your hair, your eyes, your face, your cheeks, your lips, your hips, the feet everything!	You are so beautiful.	She:How am I looking today? He: As always. She: And how do I look “always” He: Usual She: ?? He: Great	She: How am I looking today? He: Awesome (has not bothered to so much as even glance in your direction)
8. His observations on her cooking	She: I can’t cook. He: Who needs food, we will live on love.	She makes half-cooked half-burnt food. He: this is the yummiest food I have ever had	She has graduated to a reasonably decent cook. He; I don’t like how you make aloo gobhi (a medley of potatoes and cauliflower). I don’t like baingan (egg plant).	She is a confident cook now - and she no longer needs his opinion. He has two choices eat it or leave it. He doesn’t complain anymore.
9. His shopping behaviour	Oh those trips to the mall hand in hand.	I’ll buy what you like and you buy what I like.	Why do you take so long shopping? Why do you shop so much?	He: Bye, have fun shopping. I will stay at home - can you please get a couple of Ts and shorts for me too. And I am out of perfume. If you see a good wallet and a belt - but only if you come across a decent shirt….
10. Expression of love	I love you 1241 times a day	5-10 times a day	Occasionally - on special events	I don’t understand why anyone would say I love you.If you truly mean it, it will show, you don’t have to say it.Ofcourse I love you, that’s why we are together even after all these years. That is so naive. Uh oh.

So which stage of evolution are you in?